Divine Silence

I often imagine these days that if only I could scream loud enough the heavens would rip open and that still small voice would find me once again. If only I could scream loud enough maybe Jesus would come and sit and talk with me and share a meal with me by the most comforting little fire. (We used to sit together like that underneath a canopy of brilliant stars anytime I wanted). If only I could scream!

But alas, the heavens have shut over me and I cannot hear a thing. A divine silence rules the spiritual atmosphere I inhabit. No longer do I hear the Lord when I seek counsel and direction. Times when revelation flowed steadily from Heaven have come to an end. Clarity has vanished. The intimate everyday guiding words of the Lord have ceased and a very strategic, nearly suffocating silence has invaded my world.

I am desperate without vision and as a visionary it is most unsettling to walk with the Lord in silence. I am no longer able to see by the light of the Spirit even an inch ahead of me. This has naturally brought forth every insecurity I have ever known. Again and again I have looked inward searching for the flaw or fatal sin that has brought upon me such abrupt silence from Heaven. Yet the only wrongdoing I have found is in me thinking that the Lord would be so petty as to give me the silent treatment when I met with His disapproval. In this I trust that the silence is not punishment but actually a revelation in itself.

It often takes me a while to catch on when the Lord is trying to show me something by changing my circumstances. So I must admit that I struggle daily in this quiet place. Waves of depression hit me throughout the day as I think about how stuck I am. I mean I am not hearing anything! I have no vision for where I am at or where I am going. Sometimes I even wonder if I've really missed the mark. I mean missed it by miles! As much effort as it is, if I push aside all these clouding doubts I know in my Spirit that in this quiet place I have been invited to rest in Him. He has called me for a short time to simply be.

The last season was about being led by the Spirit even through fire and hardship. With a few recent lessons in obedience under my belt I know that I dare not act on anything without the urging of the Spirit. So now that this silence prevails I dare not move. I will not move. However, the temptation to move without divine guidance is extremely enticing. Engulfed in a culture that finds its value in doing, to wrap my head around the idea that God could be pleased with my unproductivity and inaction is extremely difficult. It would make me feel so much better to act in my own strength and move forward according to my own volition. But I can't! By His grace He has made it extremely unsatisfying to even think about moving on without hearing His voice.

Can I be still when there is only silence? Can I discipline my flesh enough so that I am able to do nothing until I truly hear His voice? To be completely transparent, this is a harder lesson for me than enduring the persecution and fire of the last season. He is teaching me to understand the value of His rest. In doing so, He must kill the part of me that obtains value in hearing His voice and doing His work. He is showing me that my worth is in Him alone. It is enough to just be with Him, to sit in silence beside Him and simply love Him.